help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
