I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
how can u be prego again
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
