Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
