3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
