dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize