Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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