just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
