Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize