There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
