I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
