It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
