I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
