Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize