capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
did you just send me my own nude
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
