I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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