she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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