quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Randomize
