I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
