His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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