oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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