capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
