Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You smell like stripper and shame
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
