The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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