seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
