Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
