i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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