Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
