what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
