I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
