So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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