so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
