I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
