Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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