nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
