just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
