we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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