she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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