I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
