upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
