I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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