He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize