if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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