My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
