she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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