Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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