Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize