I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
