remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
