you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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