She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
