I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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