I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
