oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
