and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
