I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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