Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Also, beer. Big fan.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i out mim tonsoeep
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