the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
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