I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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