Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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