I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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