Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize