Duck Duck Cougar?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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