I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
