I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
