she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
