Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Houston, we have a squirter
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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