he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
