my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
