When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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