love makes seman taste better
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
