Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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